HOW THE FIRST FAMILY SPENT MOTHER'S DAY

By Estelle Gilson

 

          In the beginning Cain and Abel saw a balloon in a florist's window that said, "God created mothers because He couldn't be everywhere."  Immediately, it started a fight between them. 

 

          Cain said, "What kind of a God can't be everywhere?"

 

          "You’re always so technical.” Abel said. “It doesn't mean God is any less wonderful.  It means mamma is more." 

 

         "Maybe it means the florist wants to sell balloons," Cain retorted, feeling wroth.  He hated to be corrected. 

 

          And Abel said, "Let's ask go ask mom why He did it."

 

          And they knocked on their parents' tent.    

 

          And Eve was on her couch and said, “Leave me alone.  I carded the wool, wove the cloth, ground the maize and made dinner.  I don't know where your father is and I'm having a sick headache."

 

          And Abel replied, “But we saw a balloon saying, 'God created mothers because He couldn't be everywhere.'  Why did He do that?" 

 

         “Men!” Eve sat up and slapped a cold vinegar compress against her forehead.  "Always running away from responsibility. Leaving women to take the rap.  Nowadays mothers are blamed for everything.  Let me tell you, in the old days when He did what He was supposed to do, things were better."

 

          All Cain and Abel had ever heard their parents say about the past was "Life was better in the old country."  Instantly they felt guilty, as if they had made this disconsolate woman card the wool, weave the cloth, grind the maize, cook their dinner, and bear them with so much pain.

 

         Your typical dysfunctional family. 

 

          Outside Cain felt wroth and punched Abel. 

 

          And Able punched him back.  Then he said, “Mom has a point.  Fifty-two Sabbaths a year we worship the Lord, why don't we use one to do something nice for her for a change?"  

 

          "Yeah, we could buy her one of those balloons," said Cain. 

 

          "Cheapskate," Abel said.  "We'll each get her a present and take her out somewhere swell for dinner."

 

          And Cain and Abel asked Adam to join them and Adam said, "What does your mother do but stay home and have headaches.  I, on the other hand, am out in the sun every day.  I till the soil, put in the seed, I water, weed and harvest.  My back is killing  me, but you don't hear me complain."

 

          And Adam entered his tent.

 

         And Eve spoke. "The boys are taking me out for Mother’s Day.  What are you doing for me?”

 

         "You're not my mother,” Adam retorted.

 

          "Yeah?" Eve replied.  "If God made me a mother because He can't be everywhere, then God and I are interchangeable.  Therefore if God made you, I made you. Therefore I am your mother." 

 

          "You're nuts!  I was on this earth before God ever thought of you.  You were fashioned from my flesh.  See?" And Adam pulled up his striped camisole. "If anything, I am your mother."

 

          And Eve’s voice grew great. "I will multiply thy pain and thy travail. In pain shalt thou bring forth children,” she shouted.  “That's what makes you a mother. Pain every month.  Travail every year.  You were out cold when I got put together.  Some mother!  You didn't even know what was happening." 

 

          And Eve dunked her compress in vinegar again, wrung it out, slapped it against her head, and lay down on her couch.    

 

         And Adam paced his fields in the darkness.  And he remembered the old country, how glorious his life had been there, wandering from pleasure to pleasure; singing, dancing, eating, swimming,  singing, dancing, eating, swimming,   And he thought of Eve.  How comely she still was when she wore the old, frayed fig leaves in the tent! 

 

         And he returned to the tent and he said, "All right, what would you like?"

 

         "Diamonds."        

              

          And Adam cried out. "Mining hasn’t been invented yet." 

 

         "Pearls, opera length."

 

          And Adam made a mighty leap and clapped his hand over his wife's mouth.  "May the Merciful One above not have heard you," he shouted. 

 

         "I'm not going to eat the damn things, just wear them," Eve said. "Go ask a rabbi."

 

         "Rabbis haven't been invented yet either." Adam waxed wroth. 

 

          "Oh, for crying out loud," Eve worked up a little wrothness herself.  "A mink?"

 

         "That's where Cain gets his acquisitiveness."

 

          And Eve grabbed her compress and turned her face to the wall.        

 

         And Adam asked. "How about a nice snakeskin bag?  I know where I can get a good buy in snakeskin."

 

         "With matching shoes?" And Eve sat up and her fig leaves crackled.

 

          And Adam saw that it was good.

 

          And he sighed. 

 

         And Cain and Abel chose the second Sabbath in May when the Lord usually caused the sun to shine, for their mother's day.  And the sun rose and the sun set, and the day arrived.  And Abel got a florist to wire him roses and lilies.  And Cain had no present in hand.  And he led his flock through his orchard, and thought, "Why did I let that goody, goody Abel talk me into this? Everything's so expensive."  And here he bent to pick up a Mac that had fallen in his path.

 

         And Cain heard of an eatery where you could get absolutely everything for practically nothing.  And it was called The Garden. But when he and Abel checked it out, they found a food violation notice in the window, and cherubs with flaming swords patrolling its gates. 

 

          And Cain was wroth and kicked Abel.

 

         And Abel kicked him back.  But nearby they found an outdoor place on the river Chebar, where the fish was fresh and cheap. 

 

          And Cain and Abel arrived at their parents' tent.  And Eve opened the tent flap wide. And Abel gave unto her right hand the roses and lilies.   And Cain gave unto her left hand the apple.

 

         And Eve was wroth at Cain's gift.   

                     

          And Cain was wroth that Eve was wroth.     

 

         And Cain hit Abel.

 

          And Abel hit Cain.

 

         And Cain hit Abel again.

 

          And they went to the restaurant, and Adam's fish was overdone.

 

          And he said, "I'm not paying a red shekel for it."

 

         And Cain and Abel argued about the bill. 

 

          And Cain hit Abel.

 

         And Abel hit Cain.

 

          And it thundered.

 

         And Adam said "Stop it, you two."

 

          And Cain hit Abel.

 

         And Abel hit Cain.

 

          And Adam said, "I'm outta here."

 

         And Eve said,"God only knows what's going to become of  you," and she stomped off after Adam in her snakeskin shoes.

 

         And it thundered again.

 

 

          Author’s Bio: Estelle Gilson is an award winning writer and translator, whose fiction and nonfiction have appeared in a wide range of print and online publications. Her most recent translation, The Faithful Lover, is a collection of  short stories by magic realist, Massimo Bontempelli.  As a mother and grandmother, Ms. Gilson is long acquainted with the absurdities of Mother's Day.  In fact, it's likely that her most widely read (and most intensely disliked) piece was her Newsweek essay, "Down with Mother's Day."  She can be reached via EstelleGilson.com